Things do change, from my relationships with other human beings to the atoms of which my body consists. The negative changes I experience as a social being are most incomprehensible and occur always through non-action alone. From the perspective of another person, my not making a phone call or arranging for a play date are conscious decisions on my part to not be a part of the life of that person. From my own perspective: a poor attempt at alcoholism, knees pulled to chest, face buried in pillow, sleep the day away, easy escapes, living vicariously through stories, whatever.
I do my best to appreciate what good is present in my life outside of the fact that I exist and feel and know but the struggle to hold on to or to not hold on to is exhausting. I do not wish to possess as wholly as I do not wish to be possessed. I am probably lying to myself here.
I am not alone but I am not just looking for someone to hold or to fuck or with whom to get drunk. I crave new experiences and meeting new people but I feel the need to be introduced or at the very least to have someone on my arm as I wander about doing such things. It is probably just me but if only they knew what it is like to be me maybe they would understand more why it is I do the things I do or have such difficulty doing the things I do not. My definition of love is narrow and naive but beyond that I do love so many people. With some, I can taste the words "I love you" two-hundred beats per minute but cannot involve the larynx for whatever reason. Fear of hurt, perhaps. Fear of hurting possibly as well.
Some dream or memory I cannot recall involving fear, hurt. But things are changing. I am changing. I will find my way.
On another note, it is as odd as ever to have charmed a person by whom I am myself charmed on whatever level. Always surprising, always difficult to deal with at first, always a constant in my dreams. I have reservations as much as ever as well but you want it, I want it - fuck it, let's do this already.