antonio (spondaic) wrote,

It is odd that for periods of time I find it difficult to determine whether anything happening one day is different from anything happening the next. The more obvious constants: my mechanistic, impersonal handling of Johnny Rockets, the shallow hatred I feel for myself upon entering Stella, the lack of junk, the lack of love, where I lay my head to sleep. Today the minutiae and the inconstant are unbearably obvious.

Things do change, from my relationships with other human beings to the atoms of which my body consists. The negative changes I experience as a social being are most incomprehensible and occur always through non-action alone. From the perspective of another person, my not making a phone call or arranging for a play date are conscious decisions on my part to not be a part of the life of that person. From my own perspective: a poor attempt at alcoholism, knees pulled to chest, face buried in pillow, sleep the day away, easy escapes, living vicariously through stories, whatever.

I do my best to appreciate what good is present in my life outside of the fact that I exist and feel and know but the struggle to hold on to or to not hold on to is exhausting. I do not wish to possess as wholly as I do not wish to be possessed. I am probably lying to myself here.

I am not alone but I am not just looking for someone to hold or to fuck or with whom to get drunk. I crave new experiences and meeting new people but I feel the need to be introduced or at the very least to have someone on my arm as I wander about doing such things. It is probably just me but if only they knew what it is like to be me maybe they would understand more why it is I do the things I do or have such difficulty doing the things I do not. My definition of love is narrow and naive but beyond that I do love so many people. With some, I can taste the words "I love you" two-hundred beats per minute but cannot involve the larynx for whatever reason. Fear of hurt, perhaps. Fear of hurting possibly as well.

Some dream or memory I cannot recall involving fear, hurt. But things are changing. I am changing. I will find my way.

On another note, it is as odd as ever to have charmed a person by whom I am myself charmed on whatever level. Always surprising, always difficult to deal with at first, always a constant in my dreams. I have reservations as much as ever as well but you want it, I want it - fuck it, let's do this already.
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